A Year Wiser. Decades older.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 364 days since my last confession, er, Blog Post. Do people even do blogs any more? I dunno. Obviously, for the most part… I don’t.

But the end of the year brings out the Commencement Speech Blowhard in me. Years ago, inspired by Neil Gaiman, I did a few blog posts of the In-This-Coming-Year-My-Wish-For-You variety. Thankfully, they were deleted when I started this new blog a year ago.

As of this writing, there are only two posts on this blog. The post you’re reading is one. The other one was written on 2 JAN, 2020, detailing – musing may be a better word, or mulling – my plans for 2020.

How naïve I was.

As with most of us, I did not survive 2020 intact. My plans for the year were the first casualty, but not the worst. 2019 brought the loss of my sister Janet far too young, but 2020 finally took my father with just two weeks to go in this terrible year, when he caught COVID-19. It is particularly heartbreaking that this happened JUST as the vaccines were beginning to roll out. He was like a member of the last platoon to die just as peace was being negotiated.

The year wasn’t all bad. I drew a lot. I was allowed to keep my job, unlike so many others; to work safely from home, unlike so many more. We got to spend tons of time together during the final 6 months of our middle son’s childhood before he moved out in August. During that time, he was furloughed, as was my wife, and our youngest was doing his final year of high school distant-learning here at the house, all of which meant we were all here together every day. (Our oldest had long since moved out, but we got to talk to him frequently by text and phone).

But the four remaining members of our household on lockdown and unable to go much of anywhere, we were blessed to spend hours together, streaming entertainment, going on nature hikes, eating at the food trucks that visited our neighborhood weekly, a small thing that loomed gigantic in our lives. We were as excited about the weekly food truck visit as children eagerly awaiting the Ice Cream Man!

On one hand, yeah, we were all stuck together, and the restrictions felt oppressive on occasion. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to erase so many hours – so much precious time – together, growing closer as a family. I actually treasure the memories of those times, even moreso now that my father’s passing reminds me that nothing lasts forever.

I wrap up this year much as I did the previous, unsure what to do about Magnificatz, unsure what would become of Zook and Taraniki and so many of my little side projects. In the end, it’s academic. In the end, 2020 did not allow me to answer those questions, but in the end… those questions don’t matter in the big scheme of things. As of now, I’ve lived to fight another day, and that has to be enough for now.

This year has me thinking about Good and Bad. 2020 was the Worst Year Ever, so goes the conventional wisdom. I suspect some particularly bad years in history would beg to differ, but I’ll concede the point only to make another:

2020 was bad, I’ll grant you that. It took so much from us. It took jobs and livelihoods and normality away. It stole a measure of Civilization as lies became the hard currency of politicians who knew better. It took – as of this writing – almost 350,000 American lives at the hands of a pandemic allowed to run rampant in this country. And it took my father.

But were there not also good things in this year? If there was good among the bad, I hope you get to recognize that. Don’t throw out the fragile baby magic with the toxic, COVID-infested bathwater.

That would be an insult to all the injury, because if the only thing we take away from bad experiences are the memories of the bad, all we are left with are bad memories.

I choose to focus on the one hope in me that survived, not all the ones I lost; I choose to remember the time we were all together, as I knew – and I did know – they wouldn’t last. But I feel I got a momentary reprieve before we all moved on to our own lives and my father was gone.

My wish for you in 2021 is that you are kind to yourself. That you survive. That your loved ones survive, and that you are fortunate enough to have love, and time, and hope around you.

Nothing lasts forever, and better days are coming. I also choose to believe that.

14 Replies to “A Year Wiser. Decades older.”

  1. Nice reflection and thoughts. I have a lot of feelings about this year, good and bad, that could not be expressed as well as your thoughts. I truly hope that you and your family will have a blessed year.

  2. Well said buddy. Well said. It can be difficult to be hopeful on certain days or in certain hours. But it’s so important to be grateful for the good things. Better days, indeed.

  3. 2020 was a year of extremes for me; great things and terrible things. I’m ready for a more measured set of years. What you wrote here helped bring into focus to the good things; thank you. Wishing everyone the best for a new year.

  4. Along with all the horrors and losses and psychic pain, 2020 reaffirmed my core belief/faith that we exist in a profoundly ordered Universe and that each of us is, at any given moment in time and space, exactly and precisely where we are supposed to be to maintain that profound Order. We are too small to grasp the Order or even to understand/appreciate our place in it. Yet there can be moments, vague glimpses . . .

    “All God’s creatures got a place in the choir” and that place is to be joyously grateful for the opportunity.

  5. I’m so sorry about the loss of your father. But yes, there were many moments of joy, gratitude and success in 2020. I spent new years day acknowledging them. Looking forward to 2021 with optimism! All the best wishes for us all.

  6. Steve, I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. Covid took mine in July.

    I, too, was able to gain many things in 2020 that wouldn’t have happened otherwise: a profound appreciation for all that my husband does to care for my mother (who has Alzheimer’s) thru 15 years of her living with us; acknowledgement of my creative marketing skills that have sustained my job through its worst year of sales; a more meaningful relationship with my niece — I moved in with her in November to quarantine after working the election site, but ended up staying 2 months to help her transition through a health crisis to her next chapter relocating to Florida today; a deeper understanding of the friendships I have sustained through this difficult year; an awakening and recognition of my financial pitfalls that were so easily camouflaged in my “busy-ness” which I am now correcting.

    2020 was my most difficult year, indeed, but it was also the one that propelled the most growth.

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